Nurse 3-D (2013)

Paz de la Huerta in Nurse 3-D (2013)There’s no reason Nurse 3-D couldn’t have worked. A bloody mixture of sex-negative horror, nurse sexploitation and American Psycho sounds like it should be an interesting mess. Instead Nurse 3-D is just bloody terrible, a Frankenstein’s monster lurching awkwardly through the detritus of better B-movies, assembling the occasional “so-bad-it’s-good” moment within its remarkably tedious eighty-four minutes.

It’s easy to lay the blame at the feet of Paz de la Huerta. Her impassive, collagen-stricken expression and frequently unclothed form reminds me of the soulless vacancy of the nude mannequins you see staring hopelessly out of shop windows.

Countless B-movies used their actors’ incompetence to their advantage however, sadly, Douglas Aaroniokoski can’t do the same (outside of allowing de la Huerta to casually prowl a kitchen wearing only a bra). The fundamental problem is the decision to contrast her blank sexual predator with a “good girl” (Katrina Bowden) whose generic white-bread innocence derails what would’ve been a perfectly campy serial killer plotline. The abundant potential to address adolescent themes like menstruation or fear of sex is overtaken by a banal “moralistic” emphasis on slut-shaming. Weirdly enough, I think the best possible version of Nurse 3-D spends more time with de la Huerta, not less.

1.5 stars

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