Piranha 3DD (2012)

Piranha 3DD as Frankenstein's Monster

Piranha 3DD is about as ugly as my Photoshopping here

Piranha 3DD is a grotesque Frankenstein’s monster of a film, B-movie components clumsily sutured together without imagination. These extremities are sporadically entertaining, but while Ving Rhames blasting piranhas with a shotgun in slow motion might have its appeal, this slim charm is amputated by the film’s troglodytic smirk, its sneering need to ridicule the very idea of enjoying a trashy movie non-ironically. This is a B-movie made by people who seem to hate B-movies. That slow motion doesn’t disguise the way the film tries (and fails) to extend a ten minute storyline to feature length, or how Rhames conveniently doesn’t interact with a single other billed cast member.

This is the sort of film that rolls a modest-sized wheelbarrow of money up to fading stars’ doorsteps to get them to make brief appearances before spitting in their faces (or worse – this is perhaps the first film to render projectile vomit in three dimensions). Even the obligatory nudity is tacked on, outtakes from a Playboy video shoot where the “actresses” have huge breasts but nary a line of dialogue. Piranha 3DD groans and shambles its way through a protracted eighty-something minutes, its putrescent features unable to stretch to a convincing smile.

Rating: 42/200

8 thoughts on “Piranha 3DD (2012)

  1. I’m with you – this movie was terrible and I can’t even believe it’s by the guy that did Feast. Well, I actually can because the Feast sequels were just as bad as this. Terrible!

    • I can believe it because I wasn’t much of a fan of Feast; it had its moments but it never really came together as something entertaining for me. At least Feast was done with a sense of humour and a sense of enjoyment; Piranha 3DD feels like it’s been made out of obligation for the most part. Still, there are some good bits in it (even if they only make up about five minutes of the movie): for example, I did love the parodying of the dolly zoom from Jaws. It was one of the many attempts at Jaws jokes in the film, but at least it was a little clever!

  2. So, I guess I may pass on this one. (That dolly zoom you mentioned, ripping off of Jaws, I may indeed want to check out) Thanks for the review and the head’s up. 🙂

    • Look, if you threw it in the middle of a movie marathon of cheesy B-movies and added some alcohol you could probably enjoy it (particularly given, once you skip the credits-bloopers, it barely runs past an hour). But it’s one of those so-bad-it’s-actually-bad films rather than so-bad-it’s-good, unfortunately. Thanks for the comment!

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